Build Meaningful Connections With Others

Whether you’re talking about developing resilience, managing stress, or finding greater life satisfaction, building meaningful connections are a must.

You and I and all humans have a basic necessity to connect with others.

These interactions lend meaning and happiness to our lives.

Too many people succumb to the misconception that the ability to connect with others is an unteachable trait that belongs to only a blessed few.

The reality is that the ability to build meaningful connections is under your control.

And it comes down to a matter of emotional intelligence.

Matthew Lieberman at UCLA conducted some research that shows being social and connecting with others is a fundamental human need similar to food, shelter, and water.

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Social Pain

Lieberman discovered that the social pain we feel at the loss of a relationship originates in the dorsal posterior insula.

That is the same part of the brain as physical pain.

We are designed for survival, and the primary function of this area of the brain is to alert us to threats.

Think about that and you realise how powerful and important social connection is to us. 

We are hard-wired to be social creatures.

Taking a moment to reflect on our daily encounters can help us determine whether the interactions we have with others constitute meaningful connections. 

Countless interactions occur with family, friends, teachers, coworkers, service providers, baristas, children, neighbours, and coaches.

The list is literally endless. 

Impossible And Exhausting

It would be impossible and exhausting to make a meaningful connection at every encounter, yet enhancing our awareness and ability to improve relationships leads to many benefits.

Connecting with the person who makes my latte? You must be joking! Give me a reason why I should. 

Meaningful connections support our well-being in a holistic sense.

People in positive, supportive relationships gain a greater sense of self-worth.

And the better quality relationships at work, then the higher your work satisfaction. 

The research conclusively shows we experience overall health benefits such as reduced symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. 

It is also shown that caring behaviours, which are evident in meaningful connections, release stress-reducing hormones. 

No wonder that a phone call with a friend helps us feel more relaxed, confident, and content.

Convinced Yet?

It is easy to make meaningful connections because they can occur in any interaction and are not limited to your most profound relationships.

Whether it is working on a project with a coworker, supporting your partner through a difficult time in their career, or coordinating snacks with another rugby parent, qualities such as compassion, honesty, respect, support, and positivity enhance every interaction. 

Interactions create meaning when something personal happens.

We bond instantly over a shared experience that conveys respect between two people.

Here are some easy ways to enhance the quality of your connections:

1. Opportunity

You increase opportunity by allowing yourself to be available to interactions initiated by others.

Start your day with the intention to improve your meaningful connections. 

Develop the broad intention to enhance relationships throughout your day or define specific groups of people with whom you desire to strengthen your bonds. 

When and where do you feel least connected with others?

When you identify the when and the where then you can develop ways to make meaningful connections with those people.

2. Open-Ended Questions

When interacting with others, asking more open-ended questions creates an opportunity to discover common ground, learn about someone, and begin to establish a bond. 

Open-ended questions invite information to be shared. It is a way to demonstrate your interest in listening to what they have to say. 

“What is important for you to accomplish in this?” 

“What is your ideal vacation?” 

“What’s the craziest thing you have seen in your job?” 

These are examples of conversation starters.

3. Listen 

Listen intently to what the other person has to say and respond with interest, banter, or empathy.

Preoccupation with your own day can preempt your ability to stop and listen. 

Demonstrating that you care builds respect and invites reciprocity.

When someone feels heard, it creates a sense of value and meaning.

4. Greeting  

When you give a warm greeting establishes an instant connection and acknowledges another person’s existence. 

It signals to another person that you are approachable, which may lead to continued communication or sharing.

5. Variety

Connecting with a variety of people throughout the day and throughout a lifetime helps expose us to new ideas and new activities. 

With each person, we experience something different such as a new inspiration, new information, or a unique bond that helps bring out different parts of our whole being.

6. Your Inner Voice

A massive thing that keeps us from connecting with other people is we’re thinking too much while the other person is talking.

Instead of really listening. 

We become so focused on how what the other person is saying is going to affect us or on what we’re going to say next that we fail to hear what’s being said.

While we hear the words loud and clear, the meaning is lost.

You must quiet this inner voice if you want to connect deeply with people.

It is not a big deal if you forget what you were going to say or if the conversation changes direction before you have a chance to make your point. 

Internal Soundtrack

If your goal is to connect with another person, you have to shut off your own internal soundtrack long enough to focus on what they’re telling you.

The good news is that we are hard-wired to connect with each other; we just get in our own way. 

Every time you meet someone new try these strategies.  

They are simple. They will enhance connections at all levels, including those with our children, our spouses, our coworkers, even the barista who makes our latte. 

These enriched interactions with others not only increase your health and happiness but provide a deeper meaning to our lives.

The Cost of Perfectionism

It might come as a surprise to you to hear that perfectionism is not a virtue. It might just be the thing that’s holding you back.

Wait? What?

But isn’t perfectionism seen as a good thing? Don’t perfectionists do a fantastic job?

And what about that interview advice? You know the one that suggests you say your weakness is perfectionism?

According to the latest research, perfectionism is not such a good thing. Here are some of the proven costs of it.

Perfectionism is bad for your physical health

There is evidence that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several chronic diseases. Diseases like diabetes, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and high blood pressure.

In part, this is due to their high levels of chronic stress. Perfectionists have greater difficulty coping with chronic illness and as a result, are pessimistic about their chances of recovery.

Perfectionism is bad for your mental health

Your average perfectionist is likely to be suffering from low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

If you’re a hard-core perfectionist, a lot of your time is spent judging yourself and finding yourself
wanting, no matter how hard you try.

Perfectionists tend to see the glass half empty. If they score 95 on a test, they beat themselves up for the 5% they got wrong. And chances are they only got a few answers wrong.

Because perfectionists can never be good enough, they fret and worry and blame themselves into a state of constant stress. And continuous pressure harms us physically and mentally.

Perfectionism harms relationships

Perfectionism is not something you want to look out for or find in a life partner, friend or colleague.

They can be nitpickers, nags, and bullies.

Nothing is ever good enough, and mistakes are seen as massive failures.

Perfectionism makes you less compassionate and patient, more critical and judgmental.

Perfectionism lowers creativity

If you’re a perfectionist, you are more likely to stick rigidly to the rules and have to do everything “the right way”.

That’s not a recipe for creative flow or finding innovative solutions to problems.

The perfectionist mind tends to be closed to possibilities and risk-avoidant. As a result, innovation suffers.

Perfectionism lowers productivity

The perfectionist is committed to everything working out correctly, with no errors and zero deviation.

That might sound great for being goal-oriented but makes you less likely to take action, especially the bold steps that are sometimes required to breakthrough.

Being a perfectionist often goes hand in hand with procrastinating. This often leads to “writer’s block”, crippling stage fright, and other forms of performance anxiety.

Unless a perfectionist can guarantee to do something one hundred per cent right, they’ll find it challenging to do it at all.

Convinced that perfectionism is a hollow and costly pursuit? Let me add this thought; life presents enough challenges without us fabricating our own.

As an alternative, I suggest that it is time that you embrace your imperfections.

Embrace your beautiful imperfections

Everyone seems intent on ironing out imperfections, from using social media filters on selfies to consciously curating their lives.

It appears that any level of fault is intolerable, and failure is a catastrophe.

And for most people that is just setting yourself up for an unhappy, unfulfilled life as the mirage of perfection moves further and further away.

Here are six good reasons to stop chasing that mirage and learn to embrace yourself as you are, imperfections and all.

You stay focused on what’s important

Perfectionists tend to get derailed by the slightest mistake or little thing that doesn’t go right. They agonise over details; they get in their own way.

If you keep your eye on what you want to achieve, not some unattainable ideal, you’ll be much more likely to reach your goals.

You’ll be more compassionate

Once you’ve stopped judging yourself for every little thing, you’ll find it easier to be kinder and more compassionate towards other people.

You’ll be more patient and not get irritated by quirks or habits where previously you might have reacted.

Embracing perfection makes you a lot less reactive all round.

You’ll feel lighter and happier

Making peace with your imperfections relieves you instantly of a whole bunch of stress. Your Inner Critic can stand down and put its feet up, allowing you to relax and get on with your life, unburdened by not feeling good enough.

Liberated from the need to be seen to be perfect, you’ll feel a lot happier and more content with who you are and what you’ve got.

It’s easier to stay in the present

If you accept yourself for who you are, it becomes much easier to stay in the present and feel grateful for your life.

Instead of anxiously chasing future goals or beating yourself up for past mistakes, you can be comfortable with the here and now, knowing you’re doing your best.

Your relationships will improve

Being a more accepting person will strengthen your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.

Accepting that imperfection and mistakes are a normal part of life means that you become a lot less ego-driven, and judgmental.

You might even become a role model for others!

You get a different perspective on life

Once you accept that flaws and mistakes are a normal part of the human experience, you will be more resilient and grounded.

You become more aware of the bigger picture, and that life’s not all about you.

Perfectionism is not the virtue we are led to believe it is and to pursue it extracts a high cost on us.

But we can change, we are more than the habits we do.

We can embrace our imperfections and live an outstanding life.

Related Articles:

How To Build Resilience, Your Competitive Advantage

Make Creativity Your Superpower

Build the Courage to Achieve Anything

Know Your Sentence

I stumbled upon a wonderful post called: What Is Your Sentence? in Daniel Pinks blog. This is how people would talk about you. Or more precisely, how YOU want people to remember you or describe you when you are no more. 

Know your sentence is a simple way to identify what your purpose is. 

While it is a favourite theme of Daniel Pink, he acknowledges in his book Drive the idea originated with Clare Boothe Luce who was a businesswoman and one of the first women to serve in the US Congress.  

Luce expressed her concern to President John F. Kennedy that he might be in danger of trying to do too much. And as a result, would lose focus. 

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One sentence.

She told him early in his presidency that “a great man is one sentence.” 

What she meant is that a leader with a clear and strong purpose could be summed up in a single line. 

This concept is useful to everyone, not just presidents.

Your sentence might be, “He helped raise three children who became healthy, happy, adults.” Or, “She invented an app that made people’s lives much easier.” 

For example, Prime Minister Winston Churchill’s life could be summed up as, “He saved Britain in it’s darkest hour.” 

So what is your sentence?

Have you thought about your sentence? If you have, that is amazing! If you already have a sentence, please share it with us in the comments section.

And if you don’t, then it is time to do that. 

One time, Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story using only six words. Many thought this impossible, even for the great author. 

But not for Hemingway, the next day Hemingway produced this, “For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.”

A mighty challenge.

It takes time and effort to distil down the essence of what you’re trying to achieve in a short and memorable sentence.

Reducing life to a handful of words is a mighty challenge. 

Why is it so bloody difficult to sum up your life in one sentence? After all, articles have headlines, brands have tag lines, and even Twitter limits you to a few characters.

Does it feel too cheesy, morbid, or limiting? Is it reminiscent of a dating profile or a tombstone? 

It might be a little bit of all of them. We consider ourselves multi-dimensional beings with professional and personal lives, not to mention family, friends, hobbies, and interests.

How is it possible to capture all that in just one sentence?

So what is your sentence?

Begin by focusing on what is most important. There is no right and wrong or good and bad.

But there is ONE thing that probably defines you more than anything else. 

One Sentence for one defining moment.

Creating a six-word memoir is a useful exercise in self-analysis. More so if you apply the process to reflect upon your results and your goals. 

Did I achieve what I set out to achieve? 

Did my results stand the test of time?

Did I help others to succeed? 

This simple yet complex exercise works well as a form of aspiration, that is, how do you want to be remembered?

This is powerful at any point in your career, but the sooner you do this, the more time you have to make changes so that you can become the person you are capable of becoming. 

If your sentence is aspirational or a goal not yet achieved, then ask yourself, “How might I live up to my own sentence?”

You may be familiar with the story of Alfred Nobel.

A wealthy and successful man who was recognised for manufacturing explosives that killed people more effectively than anything previously. 

An accident.

One day, there was an accident that blew his plant up. Everyone, including the press, thought he had been killed.

The next day, the newspaper headlines told of the dead man who made dynamite that had killed so many people.

Nobel was not at the plant that day, and he was shocked to see how he was remembered by the press.  

He made an immediate decision to change his life. Thus, the Nobel Prize that we all know today was created. The one sentence of his life changed just like that.

Consider these fundamental questions to help you consider how you would sum up your life in six words or less.

How can I help? 

What is my influence? 

As humans, we are motivated to work for goals greater than ourselves. We achieve great things through the efforts of others.

They must create conditions for others to succeed. 

Summing up your purpose in a few words challenges you to think about what work and life mean to you and how you influence the people around you.

So what is your sentence?

The reason for doing this now and delaying is that once you decide how you want to be remembered, the entire focus of your life changes. 

You then concentrate on the essential things that will help you achieve what you have always dreamt of.

I know, this will put some people off, but believe me the sooner you do this, the better your life will be. I promise.

If you are struggling to come up with your sentence, don’t despair, enrol in the free webinar, 5 Ways To Perform At Your Best.

Dare to dream.

Follow your passion.

Be outstanding each and every day.

What Keeps You From Fulfilling Your Life Purpose

Sometimes you can know your life purpose but then get sidetracked and never fulfil it.

The vast majority of people don’t know their life purpose or they are unsure about their purpose.

It is difficult to find something when you don’t know what you are looking for.

A few know their purpose but feel they don’t deserve it. Others know their purpose but are afraid of failure.

A small few know their purpose, but they get stopped because they feel they could never handle the responsibility that comes with it.

That’s a combination of guilt, fear of failure, and fear of success. Imagine the sadness and frustration of knowing your life purpose to then get hindered from moving forward.

If you don’t know your life purpose, don’t fret just yet, you may need longer to discover it.

You need to do the work necessary to find out what is that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

In this post, I will give you tips to uncover your life mission and show you the three most common reasons that stop people from fulfilling their life purpose.

What is your life purpose?

Bob Proctor posed this question, “If I could spend my life doing one thing, what would I really love doing?” 

In answering this challenging question, you will uncover your life purpose.

At first inspection, it may seem an easy question, but it can take many people weeks or months to find the answer.

Everything fulfils a purpose in this world. Though wasps might be an exception.

The Sun provides light and warmth to support and sustain life. The Clouds provide the rain giving water to all living things.

Sand and rocks serve to filter the water. Plants provide oxygen and food for us. Do I need to mention that bees pollinate the plants or do you get my point?

These all have a set purpose. You could argue that they were designed or created for that purpose. For example, trees can’t decide to provide oxygen or not.

We choose

We humans are different, we can choose our life purpose.

Mark Twain said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.”

What I think he means by this is that discovering your purpose gives your life real meaning.

Discovering your life purpose gives you a reason to get out of bed every morning.

If your answer to why you get out of bed is, “Because I need to go to work.” It is not the right answer unless you love your job.

There has to be more than going to work because you need to pay your bills.

There is a great story dating back to when John F. Kennedy visited the NASA space centre.

The then President of the USA saw a janitor pushing a mop and walked over and asked him what he was doing.

A man on the moon

The janitor replied with this brilliant line, “Mr President, I’m helping put a man on the moon.”

He was not being sarcastic or smart-mouthed, he had a strong sense of purpose. The purpose is that sense that we are needed, that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, that we have something better ahead to work for.

Read the janitor’s reply again. You can feel the pride he has in his job.

He may not be that high on any organisational chart depicting the story of America’s space exploration.

But there he is, filled with pride at the mention of the common purpose he shares with the very men who would walk on the moon.

Your purpose is your reason for living. Like it was painting for Michelangelo or writing was for Shakespeare.

Every person is hardwired to do something, we all have an exceptional talent or skill.

It might be some kind of sport or art, writing, researching, helping others, serving, being a good parent or spouse.

Never work another day

There is a joy to discovering your purpose. Once you do, you will never work another day in your life. Why? Because you will love what you do.

You will be passionate about it. You will be eager to get out of bed every morning to fulfil your purpose.

Picasso said, “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” 

Once you discover your reason for life, you will create your vision. Your vision shows you what you need to do to live a life of purpose. Then you get to set your bite-size goals to get there.

Despite all of this, some people find themselves not acting on fulfilling their purpose. These three reasons are the ones most likely to stop you and keep you stuck and frustrated.

3 Things That Keep You from Fulfilling Your Purpose

The important step you need to take to get out of that rut is to decide to take control now. You need to identify what it is that stops you from moving forward.

In all likelihood, you’re in the grasp of one or more of the following three everyday things that stop people from finding and fulfilling their purpose and living their life mission.

But you don’t achieve your life purpose. What prevents you from fulfilling your life purpose? What is keeping you stuck?

Being stuck and your lack of progress is frustrating. You might even feel depressed.

You need to get out of that negative cycle, out of that rut you are in. The good news is there is an important step you can take to get out of that rut.

If you have been searching for your purpose, mission or vision for your life, and are still searching with angst and restlessness, like I was, you’re probably making one of these three mistakes.

1. Self-doubt

All of us, even the best amongst us, falls prey to self-doubt at some point. It’s a way to keep yourself safe in an often-confusing world.

The most significant thing that holds people back from realising their true potential is probably fear of failure.

And in a world that values wealth and conspicuous success, striking out for something you believe in can be risky.

But if you stay stuck in a mindset of fear, it’s guaranteed you will never achieve anything substantial.

When you stay small, it prevents you from acting, it prevents you from growing and being your best you.

2. Other people’s opinion

Self-doubt is fed by caring what other people think of you. Reality dictates there will always be a plentiful supply of naysayers trying to stop you from pursuing and living your dreams.

And I can give you a cast-iron guarantee that whatever your life purpose, you will encounter people who doubt your dream and your ability to achieve it.

Thankfully, there will also be some people who support you and believe in you.

And your biggest cheerleader should be you!

You don’t need anyone’s permission to live your purpose.

You only need a strong sense of conviction and the will to pursue your passion.

3. Lacking intention

This is not often talked about but living purposefully with intention is crucial to staying true to your life purpose. It’s pointless to have a passion or dream and to be lazy about it.

Be intentional about your life purpose and step up to the plate.

Use the same approach you would for any other project. Be methodical, be organised and give your life purpose the attention and care it deserves.

Yes, that means having a plan, writing it down and making yourself accountable. You start by taking the attention off yourself and thinking about the impact you want to have on the world. What legacy do you want to leave?

I am not worthy

Maybe it is not, “I’m not good enough.” But how about, not strong enough, smart enough, or simply “don’t have what it takes”? 

Anxiety

These feelings are unfortunately all too common. These anxieties are more than happy to exploit you.

We are all in the battle of our lives in our personal war with anxiety. Anxiety attempts to make us believe that we aren’t worthy enough and that we don’t deserve to live our life purpose.

One of those ridiculous ways is to make us think that we are being selfish if we celebrate our achievements.

Anxiety tries to invalidate you by saying: “Are you mad? Don’t do that.”

Who are you to be showing off, and making yourself out to be better than anyone else?

Who do you think you are robbing someone else’s nose in your success? Especially when you know exactly how that feels.

And anyway, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like you won the Nobel prize.”

After that doubt is placed in your mind, you downplay every victory and every good quality you have.

And, before we realise it we are questioning if we are worthy of any good thing.

This vicious cycle

Forget about celebrating something when you are not worthy of it in the first place.

This vicious cycle reinforces the negative thinking and lack of self-respect and self-confidence.

Old habits are hard to break. Negative thinking and lack of self-respect and self-confidence may have been a part of your life for a long time.

To make it more difficult, we have society telling us at every moment that we need to act a certain way, look a certain way, and wear a specific size of clothing.

You can defeat the demons of anxiety, guilt, fear of failure, and fear of success that stop you from fulfilling your life purpose. It will take discipline and dedication.

Are you up to the challenge? If you are, then enrol in my free webinar, 5 Ways To Perform At Your Best. and remember happiness is a result of accomplishing what you were born to do.